Finally: A best of 2009 list!

Recently I dubbed myself a "film sharpshooter," which means I choose the movies I pay for wisely*, which means the list of 2009 releases The Film Official has seen isn't very long, which means the "official" in this title isn't so official, is it? (Cheap joke alert) Official? Heck, I could probably officiate in the NBA with a record like this.

*Ed. note: The Hours and A Knight's Tale are exceptions.

But whatever. Here's a descending look at all the 2009 movies who have been graced by the presence of me*:

*Note 2: These rankings are subject to change, as is my mind, so positions might flip as time passes. As some guy once said, "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds" ... and although I'm not really sure what a hobgoblin is, it sounds pretty scary -- like something that might be trying to drag me to the fire-and-brimstone underworld or something. I want nothing to do with that. OK, end of digression. Here are those long-anticipated rankings:

8. Watchmen (full review): The only true dud on this list. Lots of cool images, one intriguing character ... but when your movie is 12 hours long, shouldn't it at least look good and have, like, at least one intriguing character?

7. The Brothers Bloom (full review): A disappointment because of its imagery, its cast and high expectations after writer-director Rian Johnson auteured the fantastic Brick. This one just unravels, which is a shame.

6. Star Trek (um, cough, "full" review): You know those 5-Hour Energy commercials where they bash the sugary energy drinks -- you know, fun now, but doesn't last? Star Trek is one of those sugary energy drinks.

5. Observe and Report (full review): Has so much going for it that its occasional forays into ridiculous comedy seem forced. Coulda been.

4. Sugar (full review): Speaking (earlier) of sugar, Sugar is kind of the opposite of sugar. It's more like a piece of whole wheat bread. Perfectly OK, but either 1) could be tastier, or 2) could be better for you.

3. I Love You, Man (full review): Lots of fun, lots of Rush, lots of perfectly captured male awkwardness. Not gonna win any TFO awards unless 2009 really sucks, and it's no comedy HOF-er, but it's still memorably good.

2. Up (full review): Despite its late lapse into convention, it resonates emotionally and has a great message. Looks good, too, but that's kind of a duh for Pixar at this point.

1. Drag Me To Hell (full review): The only film on the list that exceeds expectations. It starts out slow ... but that's just director/co-writer Sam Raimi tricking you into thinking you're in for ordinary horror. Fun, funny, jumpy, creative -- all-time great it ain't, but it completely nails its target.

Happy Earth Day! (Earth sucks.)

Since it's so trendy to love all things Earth these days, I'm glad* Entertainment Weekly's dot-com celebrated Earth Day by focusing on movies that blow this planet the eff up. Or at least ones where aliens invade our collective subconscious and can only be seen with special sunglasses.

*Not that I'm against Earth or anything, but I can think of at least one positive in its demise: No more Palmetto Expressway.

Thoughts on some of the movies ...

-Independence Day: With this 1996 film, director Roland Emmerich embarks on a career in which he tries to figure out just how ... many ... ways he can destroy New York City. In doing so, beats Isiah Thomas to the task by almost a decade. Oh, and the movie's pretty good, at least in that jeez-I-hope-Bill-Pullman-is-trying-to-suck way.

-War of the Worlds: An incredible opening third that turns to complete junk, and fast. Additionally, director Steven Spielberg's 1,252,876th (phony) happy ending shows that, if Spielberg had been directing, Pvt. Pyle and his drill instructor would have become best buddies by the end of boot camp.

-Mars Attacks: Ah, back when Tim Burton's movies couldn't be used as insomnia treatment ...

-Starship Troopers: There are aliens in this one? I couldn't tell with all the TALKING in the movie's first six hours.

-Signs: Ah, back when M. Night -- oh, well, you know what I'm going to say.

-Men in Black: Someday I'll convince people that this deserved a Best Picture nomination, or at least ahead of the flawed (or downright awful*) stuff that hogged all the spots in 1997.

*CoughTitanicCough.

-They Live: Classic John Carpenter, where he's winking at you and being serious at the same time. Also, features the best hand-to-hand fight scene I've seen (below), plus a hilarious ending (not gonna link there; if you remember it, you know why).

(NSFW)


Now, speaking of Carpenter, where the @#%$!#$% is ...

The Thing: Chilling (almost literally), intense, gory perfection. I'll never resuscitate someone with a defibrillator again.

Conspiracy (movie) theories

Everyone loves a good list*. Thankfully, our friends over at Rotten Tomatoes -- in anticipation of the new something-is-up-with-the-government flick (and probable yawner) State of Play; trailer here, if you must -- recently revealed one:

*As opposed to a bad list, like this one.

The 25 best conspiracy movies ever.

A note, before we break it down: The list is formula-based (percentage of critics who approve, average rating, etc.), so it's not decided by a committee. Therefore, films like JFK -- easily among the best -- missed out, because they didn't get unanimous raves*.

*The ones who didn't like Oliver Stone's masterpiece probably were in on the whole thing!

Thoughts ...

-Glad they recognized Blow Out (#24), a forgotten part of the John Travolta arsenal. An idea: Let's just think about this 1981 flick -- in which a B-movie sound designer stumbles upon a plot against a Presidential candidate -- when this nonsense comes out later in '09.

-Hot Fuzz (#20) is the only comedy on the list. What, did the plan to overthrow San Marcos' new leader not count?




-Seeing Minority Report (#19) on here just makes me angry. It still is the worst case of ending FAIL I can remember. What a way to blow an incredible setup.




-Finally caught The Bourne Ultimatum (#15) the other day, and it was pretty good. Can't say the same about Gone Baby Gone (#13), which had some strong moments and a confounding moral question at its center ... but overall felt a little hackneyed.

-Between Touch of Evil (#14) and Manchurian Candidate (#6), I'll take the one that was directed by the Wilt Chamberlain of filmmaking.




-L.A. Confidential (#4) is a little bit overrated. No Way Out (#8) is not.

-Speaking of overrated, I can't quite get the unconditional love for North by Northwest (#2). It has some great moments and a helluva score, but its plot registers high on the Convoluted Scale.

-Chinatown is No. 1, and no dispute with that. But two others are right up there: The Insider (#11) and The Conversation (#7) -- which just might be Francis Ford Coppola's best*.

*Yes, better than that overrated mob movie he made.




Omissions (other than Woody Allen's aforementioned Latin American satire, of course):

-JFK: Duh.

-The Alien series: It's not just a rabid, acid-blooded killer they're fighting ...

-The Usual Suspects: Or was it a conspiracy?

-The Parallax View: Like The Conversation, pure 1970s minimalism. Wow.



Huh? Exactly ...

Coolest hero in pop culture?

As it does, Entertainment Weekly has released another list: The 20 All-Time Coolest Heroes in Pop Culture.

Honestly, it's not the best roundup. Sure, there are some fine picks (Han Solo, John McClane, Ellen Ripley), but Bland Bond and Stiff Superman and the whiniest hero in film history? Whither Tony Stark?

Actually, even Iron Man himself doesn't stack up to The Film Official's personal pick. Now, we're cheating here since these are technically two heroes, but how could you not pick this duo?


I mean, they fall in love, they save the world -- and oh by the way, the female half of it isn't some helpless little girl, either (do you really want to make Eve angry)? But she still has a heart (or heart-like parts, anyway). After all, that's why she -- oh, but that would spoil it for those who haven't seen it ...